Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
