Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
