Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
