she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
So I think we're almost at the age where we should start calling boys men. Now what age do they start living up to the new title?
Most never. Some around 65.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Randomize
