I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Randomize
