I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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