Life is so much better after having sex.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
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And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
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Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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