The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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