I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
