Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
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