i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Randomize