Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Randomize
