Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
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I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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