I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
