I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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