am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
