We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
