You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
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