I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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