We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
