i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Randomize
