Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!
Yes.
fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
