I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
