seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
