The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
