Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
