I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
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I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
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I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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