um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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