you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
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