"it" just moved
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
We're too hungover to prance.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
