Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Randomize
