You did that once after drunk driving from a photo shoot
That was very cool/italian of you
Which brings me to my next point, how come italians are so well adapted to drunk driving
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
