Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
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