kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
