Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
