Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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