you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
You need Xanax blowdarts
just found out that she named her cat after me.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
