Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize
