Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
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i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
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You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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