Whoa Z and x make the same sound
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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