we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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