Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Randomize
