Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
