im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Pants are for mortals
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
