there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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