did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
We need to rekindle our bromance
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
i need some magic done to my vagina
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Randomize
