He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Randomize
