I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
