I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
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