Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
