Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
