mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Randomize
