and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Randomize
