This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize
