How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Randomize
