so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
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